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PAGE 6B HERITAGE FLORIDA JEWISH NEWS, JANUARY 27, 2017 Planning your Jewish wedding: Seven simple steps By Gabrielle Kaplan-Mayer Mazel Tov! If you or some- one close to you is planning a Jewish wedding, you are m the midst of an exciting-- and at times stress-induc- ing-experience. Besides the many wedding details that all couples need to plan, Jewish brides and grooms have several other impor- tant factors connected to their ceremony to consider. Whether you are Jewishly knowledgeable or relatively new to Judaism, you may want to review the following list before you make your plans to create a meaningful Jewish wedding: 1. Choosing a Date Jewish weddings are gen- erally prohibited on Shabbat and festivals-including Rosh Hashanah. Yore Kippur, Passover, Shavuot, and Suk- kot-and the fast days Tisha B'Av, the 10th of Tevet. the 17th of Tammuz, the Fast of Gedaliah, and the Fast of Esther. Traditionally, Jew- ish weddings are not held during the counting of the omer between Passover and Shavuot, although customs differ as to whether that entire seven-week stretch or just part of it is a prob- lem. Marrying during the three weeks between the 17th of Tammuz and Tisha B'Av is also prohibited in traditional Jewish practice. Because many of these dates fall during prime wedding season (spring-summer), it's important to check an accurate Jewish calendar (such as www.hebcal.mm) before you select a date. And although Shabbat weddings are out, many cotples choose to wed on Saturday at sundown, so that they can begin their ceremony with havdalah, marking both the end of Shabbat and the end of the time that came before their public commitment to one another. Some couples choose to wed on Tuesdays, believing it to be an espe- cially blessed day, since in the Biblical story of creation. the phrase "God saw that it was good" appears twice on the third day. 2. Selecting a Rabbi For some couples, this step is an easy one. They may be active members of a congregation or have a childhood or Hillel rabbi that they are still close to. But for many engaged couples who are not affiliated with a Jew- ish community in a formal way, finding a rabbi to lead their wedding ceremony is a daunting task. Parents may suggest using the rabbi from their congregation, whether or not the couple knows them. First off, it's important to know that a rabbi is not the only person who can lead a Jewish wedding. A cantor can officiate, as can another edu- cated professional serving the Jewish community. How- ever, to meet most states' requirements, the officiant does need to be a recognized member of the clergy; be sure to ask this question of any clergy you speak with. You may want to begin the search for your rabbi by visiting local congregations and observing how different rabbis lead services. You can also contact rabbinical schools to connect with a student rabbi, whose work will be supervised by an experienced faculty member. Students are eager to gain experience and may even give you more time than a busy congregational rabbi could. Rabbis' schedules fill up quickly, so if you have a par- ticular rabbi in mind, be sure to clear the date with him or her as soon as possible. Interfaith couples who en- counter difficulties finding a rabbi can contact organi- zations such as the Jewish Outreach Institute (www.joi. org), Interfaithfamily.com (Officiation Request Form), or the Rabbinic Center for Research and Counseling (www.rcrconline.org), which work with interfaith couples and can help them to find a rabbi. When you meet with rabbis you are considering, be sure to ask them their philosophy about leading weddings, if they are open to adapting rituals, andwhat kind of ketubah [marriage contract] text they prefer that couples use. You want to make sure that you are on the same page about major issues from the start. 3. Planning the Ceremony Even couples who grew up in a Jewish home with years of Jewish education may find themselves surprised when it comes to examining traditional Jewish wedding rituals. For example, in a traditional ceremony, only the groom gives the bride a ring, an act which is thought to symbolize kinyan (acqui- sition). Many contemporary egali- tarian couples find this ritual to be not in keeping with their values and choose to do a double-ring ceremony; some Orthodox rabbis will allow a modified form of this. While working with a rabbi can help you learn about the wedding rituals, you will probably get more out of the experience by doing a bit of research, so you can bring ideas to your meetings with the rabbi. 4. Choosing a Ketubah Just as our government issues a marriage license, Jewish law has historically used a ketubah to sanction a marriage. Ketubah means "writing" or "written" and refers to the document that is signed by witnesses before and often read during a Jew- ish wedding. Traditionally, a ketubah served as a kind of premarital contract, outlin- ing a bride's ongoing rights: food. clothing, and even sex should be provided during the course of the marriage. The ketubah also specified her rights in the case of her husband's death or their divorce. Many contemporary cou- ples choose to veer away from the traditional ketubah text and its implications and instead choose a text that expresses their hopes and commitments for their mar- riage. Some couples write their own text. while others search for a text that speaks to their vision. Historically, the ketubah is not only a legal document. but also an artistic one. Ketubot [plural of ketubah] have long been and con- tinue to be--an expression of Jewish creativity. So couples not only have decisions to make about the text. but also the kind of art they want for their ketubah. Some couples shop together for a litho- graph; others hire an artist to create an original design. Couples should also think about who they want to in- vite to sign their ketubah. Traditionally, awitness must be a religiously observant Jewish male, unrelated to the bride or groom. Reform and Reconstructionist and some Conservative rabbis accept women as witnesses. though most still prefer that the witness be Jewish. 5. Selecting a Huppah The huppah is the canopy that covers the bride and groom during the wedding ceremony, creating a sacred space that is both open for all to see and private and inti- mate for the couple beneath it. It symbolizes their new home together, and is said to be open as was the tent of Abraham and Sarah, who were always ready to receive visitors. In planning your wedding, think about what kind of huppah would be special for you. Some are covered in flowers, others are made of fabric squares that friends and family decorate for the couple. The huppah is at- tached to four poles, which can be free-standing or held by four people. It is consid- ered a great honor to hold a huppah pole, so this job should be given to people very close to the bride or groom. 6. Including Ritual Ob- jects Jewish weddings call for some objects that. with a little thought, can be enhanced to create special meaning for your wedding. For example, at most Jewish weddings kippot (yarmulkes) are provided for guests. Many couples have them imprinted with their name andwedding date; others knit original kippot or paint or decorate satin or felt ones to match wedding decor. Couples also need a kiddush cup for under the huppah, and some couples are creating a new tradition by using one heir- loom cup from each family. And no Jewish wedding is complete without the glass for breaking at the end of the ceremony. Today's couples are sometimes saving the pieces of their broken glass to be transformed into a new piece of Judaica. such as a mezuzah or candlesticks. 7. Making Pre-wedding Choices One of the greatest things about Jewish weddings is that the celebration is spread out over time, giving you maximum time to honor bride and groom. The cel- ebration may begin with an aufruf, when bride and groom (in traditional circles, only groom) are called to the Torah for an aliyah. They receive a mi shebei- rakh blessing, which invokes God's blessing for the bride and groom, and then they are showered with candy, a symbol of sweetness to come in their life together. Many couples host a kiddush lunch following services. This can be an ideal time to include the entire community in your wedding joy. You and your partner should also discuss whether you want to include various traditional pre-wedding ritu- als such as going to the mik- yah (ritual bath), separating from one another during the week before your wedding, and fasting on your wedding day. These rituals can help the couple prepare spiritu- ally for the seriousness of the day to come. While a Jewish wedding is full of joy, it is also like a personal Yom Kippur for the bride and groom, who want to enter their marriage with a pure heart. Many couples choose to follow an altered version of some of these traditions. such as eating something light before the ceremony to protect against fainting. You and your partner should give yourselves ample time to talk through each of these seven steps, and to use the process of planning your wedding as an opportunity to learn more about Jewish tradition and the way each of you envisions your life together once you step out from under the huppah. hand in hand. Gabrielle Kaplan-Mayer is a freelance writer and educator based in Philadel- phia. She is the author of two books of plays for children: The Magic Tanach and Other Short Plays and Extraordi- nary Jews: Staging Their Lives as well as The Creative Jewish Wedding Book. MyJewishLearning. corn is a leading transdenomi- national website of Jewish information and education. The site offers thousands of articles on all aspects of Judaism and Jewish life and is geared toward adults of all ages and backgrounds, from novice learners, who may be exploring Judaism for the first time, to experienced learners, who are looking to delve deeper into specific topic areas. In addition to the more than 5,000 articles, MyJew- ishLearning.com features video and audio content, a blog (Mixed Multitudes), an Ask-the-Expert column, recipes, weekly Torah com- mentaries, quizzes and discussion boards. Books to help you prepare for your Jewish wedding By Rabbi Rachel Esserman The (Vestal, N.Y.) Reporter exactly what type of Jewish wedding to hold. In addition, there are issues of Jewish law that may have to be addressed. The following books can help make the process easier. "The Jewish Way of Love and Marriage" Orthodox and traditional Jews will want to read Maurice Lamm's "The Jewish Way of Love and Marriage." While not awedding planner (you'll find no information about cater- ing here), this books answers questions about marriage rodeo fi Photograpi packaPs , We will take care of all the details so you can enjoy your Party.' Planning a Jewish wedding can be a stressful time for couples. Not only do they have to deal with relatives and cater- ers. they also have to decide Call Warren Cohen 407-322-4886 www.rainbowsendmusic.com from a halachic (legalistic) point-of-view. It also explains each step in the traditional marriage ceremony. "The New Jewish Wedding" Liberal Jews will want to turn to "The New Jewish Wedding" by Anita Diamant. She discusses the legalistic aspects of marriage from a liberal perspective. Her step- by-step approach to planning the wedding ceremony offers options not found in more traditional ceremonies. She also includes information about same-sex ceremonies and about how to include non-Jewish family members in the ceremony. "The Creative Jewish Wed- ding Book" In "The Creative Jewish Wedding Book." Gabrielle Kaplan-Meyer offers sugges- tions on how a couple can use their wedding preparations to explore their relationship to Judaism. Her book is for those looking to individualize their ceremony and includes information about everything from Jewish music to how to designyour own ritual objects for the ceremony. "Make Your Own Jewish Wedding: How to Create a Ritual That Expresses Your True Selves" Ana Schwartzman and Zoe Francesca offer practical and spiritual advice about all aspects of a wedding, from the engagement to the honeymoon, in "Make Your Own Jewish Wedding: How to Create a Ritual That Expresses Your True Selves." The book also offers concrete suggestions for dealing with potential problems with fam- ily and friends. "Jewish Weddings: A Beau- tiful Guide to Creating the Wedding of Your Dreams" "Jewish Weddings: A Beau- tiful Guide to Creating the Wedding of Your Dreams," by Rita Milos Brownstein with Donna Wolf Koplowitz, seeks to help couples balance the religious and aesthetic aspects of their wedding cer- emony. The book, which has more than 200 photographs, includes menu suggestions for the engagement party, the bridal shower, the wedding and the week of festive meals after the wedding. It also gives examples from seven real-life Jewish weddings. "The Everything Jewish Wedding Book" Rabbi Hyim Shafner offers "The Everything Jewish Wed- ding Book: Mazel tov! From the chuppah to the hora, all you need for your big day." The work guides readers through the Jewish concept of a mar- riage, how toworkwith a rabbi or ritual director, and infor- mation about the ceremony. It offers information for Jewish or interfaith couples. "The Committed Marriage: A Guide to Finding a Soul Mate and Building a Relationship through Timeless Biblical Wisdom" Looking to get a mar- riage off to a good start? In "The Committed Mar- riage: A Guide to Finding a Soul Mate and Building a Relationship through Timeless Biblical Wisdom," Rebbetzin Esther Jungrels shows how to build a good relationship, starting with finding one's soul mate to dealing with the problems that can arise during a marriage. Her book is filled with true stories of people she has helped to create successful marriages.